Den Haag to the Moon

Today (Friday, August 5) was my last day as a Deputy Prosecuting Attorney. I titled my farewell e-mail "Tot ziens!" or "see ya later." Does anybody really read these e-mails? They seem to fall into one of about three categories.

1. The Touching Farewell, in which one gushes about how much he'll miss everybody there because they are the greatest people one could ever work with, etc. This works if you are known to be either sentimental or very reserved. If you are anything in between, it just comes off sounding disingenuous. My friend Kristen nailed this one with her farewell e-mail a few weeks back.
2. The Flamer, the wicked "f*** all y'all" missive that slanders your enemies and makes everybody else uncomfortable (but still lapping up every last word). My wife's friend Dewey did this when he left Microsoft back in the day. He attached a clip from the movie "A Bug's Life" (a popular movie at the time) in which the overweight caterpillar Heimlich finally bursts from his cocoon and says, "Look at me! I'm a beautiful butterfly!" As if leaving the place was liberation so sweet as to be compared to emerging from the dark recesses of a small, dark place. He also took his whole team (and their families) to Daniel's Broiler for dinner and charged it to the company. My kinda guy. I only wish had had the stones to send out this sort of e-mail (even though I'd have to feign enmity toward anybody at the KCPAO).
3. The Short and Sweet. Not too sentimental, not too gushy, no hint of avarice. Just, "see ya later." Because I don't feel I've mastered the other two styles, I went with Number Three, the old standby. Out with a whimper.
   

It occurs to me that I should be better at these good-byes, considering I seem to leave the Prosecutor's Office annually. Comedy writing is not my thing. Next time, I'll get Scott Fogg to ghost write my farewell.